I invested thousands behind my wife’s back. Now it’s spiraled out of control.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

About eight years ago, my dad died. I’d been taking care of his finances for a few years before that and made some investments with his money that paid off. He told me to keep the profits. We shared a bank and it was easy to just transfer the money over from his account to mine. It wasn’t a “huge” amount, but it wasn’t nothing…around $150,000.

When he died, I settled all his accounts, which included forgiving loans to my brothers and sister rather than deducting from their share. All said, we evenly split roughly $2 million, so $500,000 each. I never mentioned the gift of $150,000 to any of them, but that isn’t my issue.

The issue was that I never mentioned that gift to my wife. I do all the banking, so she wouldn’t know anyway, but I moved it immediately into a crypto account. At the time, we were arguing a bunch and I didn’t really think she’d be cool with me gambling on fake money with this very real money. If you know anything about crypto, in spring 2017 was the first great runup and I turned the $150,000 into what is now about $4.5 million. I did most of the trading before the IRS required disclosure and have basically held my Ethereum and Bitcoin since 2018 or so. I want to cash out, pay the taxes, and retire, but I’m not sure how to do this without coming clean that I kept this windfall a secret until now. I’m pretty good with finances and investing in general (our other assets are in the plus by about $2,000,000) and in the end, she gets to share in our wildly good fortune and retire at 48 (if she wants). But I am just not sure how to bring it up.

—I Really Didn’t Think This Through

Dear Didn’t Think This Through,

Here’s how I’d start the conversation with your wife: “I have good news, and I have bad news.” You have no choice but to come clean and tell her you went behind her back during a rough patch and made some questionable investments. But the good news—and it sounds like really good news—can help soften this blow.

Even though you made a lucrative financial decision, you still went behind her back to do it. It would be one thing if you both kept separate finances or you knew she wouldn’t care what you did with your money. But this clearly isn’t the case if you feel the need to come clean. So tell her that. It might help her to know that you understand where you went wrong, what you’ve learned from it, and what you’ll do differently next time. It will only make your relationship stronger to communicate this to her. You’ll also want to hear her side of things—ask how she feels about it and give her the space to express herself. Have this conversation with your wife, and there’s a good chance that by the end of it, she’ll feel rich in more ways than one.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I’ve (25 F) been the nanny for a family for six years. The kids are 13 M and 17 F, and at this point, I am more like family to them than just a nanny.I love the kids like they are my own. Unfortunately, their dad just died very unexpectedly and it’s a really hard time. I have gone over every day since this happened a week ago, and I don’t expect to be paid for this time because I’m there to show them my support. The part that is hard for me now is that their dad is the one who handled all their financial things, he always paid me, and he didn’t get a chance to settle up before his passing. I don’t want to make it about myself but I’m young and broke and depend on their family for about half of my income. How do I bring it up to their mom that they owe me about $1,000? And I wish I could spend time with the kids for free as their lives go back to “normal,” but I really can’t afford that. How do I start charging their mom again for my time?

—Heartbroken and Broke Nanny

Dear Heartbroken,

What a terrible and difficult situation. Your heart is in the right place, and I can only imagine that this family appreciates your role in their lives. It’s an undeniably difficult time for them and it will be awkward to bring up the topic of compensation, but it’s also possible that it won’t be as uncomfortable as you anticipate.

Because she’s grieving, the mom has bigger things weighing on her. And because she wasn’t involved in your pay at all, there’s a good chance she just doesn’t realize that there’s been a lapse in your payment. Ask if she has a moment to talk. Tell her you’ve avoided bringing this up because you didn’t want to bother her during such a difficult time, and then tell her you haven’t been paid. You can simply leave it at that and see how she responds. It’s not selfish to bring it up, and she will very likely understand.

It might not hurt to have a response prepared if she does push back, and that can be something as simple as, “I understand it’s a tough time, unfortunately, I can’t afford to go any longer without pay.” But again, that’s a worst-case scenario and you don’t have to assume it will happen. Be prepared for how you’d respond, but it doesn’t sound like you have any reason to expect that she won’t be understanding.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

In May, I traveled 1,000 miles at my own expense to attend my niece’s wedding. The invitation was unclear about the dress code, specifying formal focktail attire for a 4 p.m. event. I texted her for clarification providing a list of possible sartorial choices from suit and tie, the polo shirt and khakis, to board shorts and flip-flops. She replied, “The attire is cocktail just no jeans or tennis shoes.” Based on that, I wore black dress shoes, black slacks, and a hand-screen, silk-blend Hawaiian-style shirt that resembled Fred Flintstone’s outfit. I thought it was dressy for cocktail, but fun to recognize the celebratory nature of the event and the time of day.

Shortly after my arrival, the bride’s mother approached me and demanded I change. She said I was too informally dressed and would “ruin” the wedding. I told her this was the outfit I’d brought and I didn’t have anything with me I could change into. She continued to harangue me until I cut off the conversation. She had someone bring a medium-sized black t-shirt to put on instead. I weigh 320 pounds at 5’8”. I looked like a badly filled sausage and couldn’t breathe it was so tight. I changed back into my original clothes. No one could tell me where I could quickly buy a new outfit. And I hadn’t rented a car but arrived at the site by car service. The venue person then told me I had to leave or she’d call the police. I told her to call them as I was a guest of the bride and my brother had paid the bill (he and the bride’s mother had long since divorced). Then my nephew, the bride’s brother, came and told me to leave, that was the bride’s wish. I used the app and arranged for a car service to take me back to my hotel.

I am outraged and deeply hurt by how I was treated. I inquired about dress and received very specific instructions that I obeyed. The bride chose not to specify something from my list. She is 29, will turn 30 this year, and acted like a petulant teen. I am out thousands of dollars for hotel, meals, and air travel. I haven’t heard from her, my brother, or anyone else in my family. I am an attorney by trade and, thus, am tempted to sue the bride and the venue, but don’t think that will help settle the matter well, but make matters worse. So, what do I do?

—Banished By the Bride

Dear Banished, 

There’s a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on here. For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen a Fred Flintstone-inspired, Hawaiian shirt at a formal cocktail event, much less a wedding. Sure, dress codes are notoriously unclear, but a quick Google Image search could’ve told you what to expect. All of which is to say, your family might have seen your clothing choice as a passive-aggressive reaction to not getting the response you wanted from your niece. On the other hand, I’ve never heard of a Hawaiian shirt ruining anyone’s wedding, and it seems over-the-top to kick someone out over it. I can see why that would be hurtful after you spent so much money to attend the wedding.

For the sake of your peace of mind, it might help to give your family the benefit of the doubt. A wedding can be a stressful time, and there’s a lot of pressure for things to be perfect. “Formal cocktail” is pretty standard dress code language, and it’s likely your niece and her family were hyper focused on making the day special. When it erupted in tension and conflict—well, things escalated from there.

Using your upper hand as an attorney to sue your family might make you feel vindicated in the moment, but ultimately, what good would that do? It would likely only confirm to them that they made the right choice in asking you to leave the wedding. I think the best course of action here is to leave things alone, give the situation some time, and not make any impulsive decisions you might regret later.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m often trying to supplement my income and have picked up a “side hustle” to make extra money for fun things I like to do and trips I want to take with my partner. I also work quite a lot at my day job. As such, it’s hard to motivate myself to work my side gig even though I know I should. How do I find the motivation to work after I get of my actual job?

—Side Hustled Out

Dear Side Hustle, 

Ideally, your day job would allow you to pay the bills and have some fun, too. This might be a silly question, but would it be possible to increase your income without the need to take on another job? Could you ask for a raise at work, find a better-paying job, or negotiate a promotion? I know, I know—this is painfully obvious advice that you’ve probably already considered. But it’s worth giving it more thought because the burnout of overwork could catch up to you.

But we all have to do difficult things in life, so one way to motivate yourself is to give yourself a goal to work toward. If you have a clear purpose for this side hustle, and keep that purpose front of mind, it might be just the motivation you need to keep doing it. So what’s driving you? Think of it in both specific and broad terms. For example, are you saving up for a trip to Guatemala next May? The broader version might look something like: I want to make beautiful travel memories. Whatever it is, when you have a reason to keep going, it’s easier to, well, keep going. And if your goal is something you think about every day, you’ll be much more excited about the hustle. Just try not to let it come at the expense of your own mental health.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

I’m going to front-load this question, otherwise you’ll think my tone is unfair to my brother. For reasons known only to a 30-year-old man-child, he stored nearly 20 grand in $100 bills in an oversized teddy bear he won at a fair.