Series Preview: vs. The aTm Cult of Milkmen
‘24 Record: 29-4 (8-4 SEC).
My SEC hatred used to be so simple. #1 was The Chuggers, followed by a large chasm, then The Jorts at #2, then another chasm, and then the Mississippi schools. Then, like we all do in middle age, we expanded.
…and we added a damned milkman cult.
I still think the top four I listed are the ones that fill me with sports-based hatred, but if we’re just talking about the schools, fanbases, and cities, aTm and College Station are a solid #2. Why? Well, besides how hard they suck, they are the hands down weirdest people in the SEC. And this coming from a conference that has had people from Starkville in it for decades.
These fucking milkmen, though. They creep me out in not just the Deliverance way in which we’re accustomed. They’re more a mix of Rosemary’s Baby and Get Out.
When Cole asked me to predict the seeding of the SEC tourney, when I got to aTm, I couldn’t help but comment on their weirdness:
#4. aTm (8-4 SEC). Talk about an interesting series this weekend. Playing in College Station suuuuuucks, and not just because a bunch of deranged Milkmen are shouting “ball four ball four” whilst blowing bubbles and making people sniff their grode jars. But also not not because of that. The Milkmen have taken 2 of 3 from The Jorts, Clanga, South Cackalacky, and swept Auburn. They will be The Diamond Dores’ toughest test of the year so far, and vice versa. Strap in, ladies, as you’ve got to get to White Castle before the weirdos show up, and aTm is nothing but weirdos.
Beyond that, another reason they suck is their unearned elitism. As an elitist, nothing rankles me more than people who have the mien of elitism without the credentials. The alumni and students of aTm literally think their school is Yale, when it is basically Arky, sans flagship status. They will talk your damned ear off about how academically great the school is, because you have to be in the top 10% in your Texas public school to get in. That would be like LSU students bragging about their brainpower because they got the 3.0 and 21 ACT score required to get a TOPS Scholarship, or Ugga students doing the same. Actually, Ugga students kind of do do this, but not to us, because they recognize they are, at best, in triple A. aTm thinks they’re Yale. Seriously. Yale.
I’m not done with this topic. You don’t hear Rutgers or UMass students and alums pulling this shit, and their states are the #1 public school systems, and those schools are their states’ respective flagships. aTm’s unearned academic hubris is akin to if the Oklahoma State Pistol Petes were running around bragging about the intellectual salons in Stillwater. You’re not special, milkmen. Shut the hell up about it.
Oh, and I’m not joking about them being a militaristic cult, either. They’re not the only cult school, of course, but the others at least have the dignity to align themselves with their cult leader—I’m looking at you, Oral Roberts, Liberty, and the Jim Jones Institute of Technology—but no, aTm is more like The Citadel. A place cosplaying as a military academy that’s just an excuse for normalizing being the weirdest people on the planet.
They suck. They suuuuuuuck.
…and we have to stay there for an entire weekend.
Player to Watch: #6 Jr. OF Braden “Señor Bola Larga” Montgomery (.389/.516/.889 with 10 2B 1 3B 17 HR, and 51 RBI). I would tip my hat to the guy and not even remotely come close to the middle of the plate. Frankly, I would pitch him like Tom Glavine pitched to everyone, and not care if the ump calls my one foot off the plate pitches balls. I would much rather have him on the base paths than at the plate. That said, he hasn’t hit a donger in 10 days, and that is legitimately tied for his longest homerless stretch of the year. Perhaps he’s in a mid-season power-slump? If so, one can only hope it extends for three more days.
Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: #18 RS So. LHP Ryan “Prager U.” Prager (6-0; 2.30 ERA; 13.19 K/9). Speaking of fraudulent propaganda cults masquerading as educational institutions, Prager U. is aTm’s ace and pitches like one. Again, this is going to be a very difficult series, and we will need our arms to match theirs in games 1 and 3. We will only have the pitching advantage in game 2 with Carter Holton on the mound.
Friday @ 6:00pm CT on SECN+
Vanderbilt #97 Jr. RHP Bryce “Big Richie” Cunningham (4-1; 3.64 ERA; 13.50 K/9)
vs. aTm #18 RS So. LHP Ryan “Prager U.” Prager (6-0; 2.30 ERA; 13.19 K/9)
1 1b 42 RJ Austin R .344
2 dh 16 Jack Bulger R .325
3 c 45 Alan Espinal R .339
4 rf 1 Matthew Polk R .318
5 2b 3 Jayden Davis R .307
6 3b 11 Davis Diaz R .270
7 lf 26 Braden Holcomb R .233
8 cf 21 Calvin Hewett R .321
9 ss 13 Jonathan Vastine L .318
See you in the comments.
